Well shit, posting stuff here is revealing myself to the world. And what exactly do I reveal and what audience am I writing for?

Am I writing for the man I may be in love with? Am I writing for the man that searches who I’m writing about and for? Am I writing for the man who never visits this blog, never reads what I write? Am I writing for the few friends that MAY be reading this? Or am I writing for those who don’t know or care about me?

What do I write?

Friends and artists in the community come together annually for this event to celebrate and honor those who have passed from this world to the other world.

This year is the first year that I experienced marching in the Procession to honor someone close to me–Jeff Thomas.

Many close friends came together to build a float in honor of Jeff… They built giant goat puppets, too. Cricket made a giant whirling dervish. Both of these symbols of Jeff’s intellectual, spiritual and philosophical pursuits. And Cricket did a wonderful job in erecting giant stencils of Jeff on top of the 4th Avenue Underpass, lit from behind with lights and fire. Truly breathtaking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecNO_jVyMQY

This was, by far, the most emotional All Souls Procession I’ve experienced. As I marched next to the life sized puppet of Jeff atop a bicycle on the float…a loop of videos of Jeff being projected behind the puppet. Ismist and Davi moving the float foward. Slowly moving forward…

And then, just before entering the Underpass, we all agree that we are going through the left side, as this is where Jeff died.

I was overwhelmed with emotion, breathless…and then 17 bagpipers sounded off and the fire and pink lights behind the stencils were brightly lit and we entered the left tunnel. Tears streaked my face paint. Dennis shouted out, “We are taking you to the other side, Jeff!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ix5w34jwdE

By the time we were out the other side, I was dizzy…under the full moon, crippled with tears, bent over with sorrow. It took all of my strength to push myself forward past the hill.

Reina, Michelle, Mona were nearby crying, tears streaming.

I had to break away, my body tense with sadness.

I pushed forward. I was going to go ahead of the Procession and beat everyone to the Finale space. But then I got caught up in the rhythm of the drummers…

I walked next to Chad who beat on his tri-toms and Ned who played out his annual beat on the huge marching drum. Prior to walking with the drummers, I just wanted to float out of my body and meet the moon above. Ahh, the healing, grounding sound of drums!

I marched and danced. I danced the sorrow out. I turned around, facing the drummers, walked backwards and the rhythm beat against my heart, against my chest, pounding out the sorrow and grief.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01EabrmKqWw

I opened my arms widely and I was free.

My mind drifts back to times of un0happiness with men. I question my heart and how I have allowed it to get involved with those I’ve chosen to have relationships. Only to be so utterly heartbroken, not because of not getting along, rejection or falling out of love (though those elements have been part of the broken heart), but because of being treated with such disrespect, especially toward the end, only to find later that I agreed to this in some way.

Go to sleep. Little man being erased.

Yes, I want to sleep now.

I’m tired now.

I envision clouds. I want to paint this on myself. Rain drops. Heart drops.

My heart drops
in sorrow
a ritual
expressed
in paint
a ritual
expressed
in love

My heart drops
in disappointment
a ritual
expressed
in words
a ritual
expressed
in rhythm

I am sad because human beings are a terrible species treating one another with such harshness and an unconscious, selfish disregard. I am sad because I find myself more and more disappointed by how careless people are with each other, despite my fairly consistent optimism and general cheerfulness.

I’ve had this most wonderful encounter of being treated with such kindness, respect, care and love. So much so, that it’s led me to think more about how others treat me. I am grateful to experience being treated well–with love, kindness, care, compassion, understanding…deep, deep care that is expressed outwardly.

And I am inspired again. That there is good and love, that humans can treat one another well.

I am inspired to feel joy and happiness.